| Trick Or Treat - Is
This Make-Believe Or The Real Thing?
by Toni Coleman
"I'll call you this week". "Yes, I'd love to
see you again". "I had a great time". "I'm
not interested in dating anyone else". "I think
I'm falling in love with you."
These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they
move through the stages of meeting and dating. At the time,
they are uttered with what feels like true emotion and honesty.
No wonder the person they are directed to is so confused when
the call never comes, the person becomes unavailable, or it
soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating or deeply
involved with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see
or hear? How can we be sure?
Dating is a process of getting to know someone.
It begins with an attraction, which is formed by that first
impression. Often, this first meeting occurs by chance at
a social gathering, at work or in the course of one's daily
life. More and more, it happens through a response to a personal
ad and the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person
and email or voice contact give us a sense of the other individual-
but this is only a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes
real time together to create a larger and clearer picture
of this other person and their rightness or wrongness for
us. During this time we assess for friendship, attraction,
shared interests and values, and a willingness and ability
on the part of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.
Given that this is a process, it has stages.
A first date helps the couple to learn more. It is a fact-finding
experience, which involves not only the information the other
provides, but our feelings and reactions to it and to them
as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt
to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable.
In the best scenario, everything clicks for both people and
conversation is natural and easy. More often, there may be
questions, doubts, and/or mixed feelings. Seeing each other
again is often suggested by one or both people and is a good
way to learn more about each other and resolve any questions.
But the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire
to either give the other person a chance or to let them down
easily. It's also an easy way out for someone who is uncomfortable
with this level of emotional honesty.
So, how do we know what the other person is
truly feeling? You have several options for getting this information.
* You take them at their word and wait to see
if they follow through with what they have said they would
do. Nothing speaks louder than behavior. This option is the
most common choice and can leave you in that all too familiar
holding and wondering pattern.
* You attempt to address the situation openly
and candidly. This one requires a bit of courage and an ability
to be vulnerable. State how you are feeling in a thoughtful
but honest way. Ask them to do the same for you. Let them
know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how
the date went and if they would like to get together again.
* The third option should be used regardless
of what you do with the other two. Pay attention to their
non-verbal communication. How do they look at you? What quiet
responses do you get after you have shared something about
yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction, posture
and eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they
really WITH you, or somewhere else? If you learn to listen
to the non-verbal language, you will HEAR much more than what
their words have to say.
Listening to the whole person applies throughout
the stages of dating and relationships. It is also important
during this time to pay attention to their behavior and note
inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often people don't
and are stunned when a relationship "suddenly" ends
or they find out they are seeing someone who was not the person
they thought they were. Trust your instincts and listen "with
a third ear".
Remember also that the responsibility for honesty
is also on you. Don't say what you think the other person
wants to hear because you don't want to be impolite or hurt
their feelings. If you really think about it, it is more hurtful
and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has a true
interest and is trying to learn yours.
Keywords: dating advice, relationship advice,
online dating advice, online dating help, dating tips, relations
About the Author
Toni Coleman, McLean, VA, USA
Toni@consum-mate.com
http://www.consum-mate.com
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach
in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in
working with singles that want to create lasting, intimate
relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience
in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples.
She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and
Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches
the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop
designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill
their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous
email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The
Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers
monthly
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