| Ending Relationships
Gracefully
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In my counseling practice, I often hear the
question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting
someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic
relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally
a challenge.
The problem arises because so many people see
it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn’t
want to be with them. “If I was good enough, this person
would want to be with me, so there must be something wrong
with me.”
There is another way to see this. The way I
see it is that for each of us there is a relatively small
number of people with whom we feel a deep connection. Whether
you want to explain this as due to being part of the same
soul group in the spiritual realm, or to having similar energies,
or to chemistry, the fact is that we don’t feel connected
to most people. Just because I don’t feel connected
with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with
them. Just because you don’t feel drawn to spend time
with someone doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with
that person, and just because someone doesn’t connect
with you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
It’s just the way things are, and it has nothing to
do with there being anything wrong with anyone.
So if I say to someone, “I don’t
feel a strong connection between us,” I am simply stating
a fact. I am not making a judgment about the person’s
adequacy or worth.
All of us meet perfectly wonderful people with
whom we just don’t feel a connection. The person might
be very attractive, have similar interests to us, and even
be on a similar growth path or spiritual path. Yet we just
don’t connect. The spark that ignites friendship or
romance just doesn’t exist. If we could all accept that
someone not wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our
worth, we would not get hurt when someone says no to a relationship.
I don’t pretend to understand all the
factors that create connection between two people. All I know
is that all of us have the experience of connection with another
that occurs deeply and rapidly, as well as the experience
of a lack of connection. Many people have had the experience
of being fixed up with someone because a friend said, “I
just know you two will like each other. You are so similar,”
only to discover a complete lack of connection. Katie, a client
of mine, recently said to me, “Everyone said Rick is
perfect for me. We look good together, we have similar interests
and backgrounds, we are the same religion, we are equal educationally,
and he is a really sweet guy. I kept thinking that if I just
gave it time, I would feel the connection. But it never happened.
I felt so badly breaking up with him because there is nothing
wrong with him, but the connection just isn’t there.”
Is it anyone’s fault that the chemistry
or connection isn’t there? Of course not! There is nothing
wrong with either Katie or Rick. The connection just isn’t
there for Katie. She couldn’t make it be there. She
ended up saying to Rick, “You are a really terrific
guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to
have with a partner, but I don’t. It’s not your
fault – it’s just not there.”
Whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really
up to him. Katie can’t take responsibility for how he
feels. If Rick has the belief system that not everyone will
feel connected with everyone, he will not feel hurt. If he
has the belief system that if a woman doesn’t connect
with him, there is something wrong with him, he will feel
hurt. His hurt will come from his belief system, not from
the fact that Katie broke up with him.
Ending a relationship gracefully means speaking
our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility
for another’s feelings. Randi, another one of my clients,
recently told me that she was able to tell the truth rather
than give herself up to avoid hurting someone. A friend had
introduced her to Barb, thinking that Randi and Barb had a
lot in common and could be good friends. Randi got together
with Barb and felt no connection. In fact, she felt the opposite.
While Randi felt that Barb was a sweet person, she also felt
Barb’s energy pulling on her in various ways. While
some people might not mind needy energy, or even find it endearing,
Randi didn’t like it at all. She was pleased with herself
because she was able to tell Barb that she just didn’t
feel a connection with her. Randi was able to let go of taking
responsibility for Barb’s feelings if Barb felt hurt
by this.
Is there always a way of breaking up or saying
no to a relationship without someone getting hurt? No. But
by gently speaking your truth, you can gracefully end a relationship,
and if you accept that another’s feelings come from
his or her belief system, then you won’t feel guilty
if the other person feels hurt.
Keywords: relationships, relationship advice,
emotional connection, soul, self worth, fear of rejection
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., Los Angeles, CA, USA
margaret@innerbonding.com
http://www.innerbonding.com
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author
of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To
Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit
her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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