| Women and Boundaries
by Susan Sheppard
Women who are we and what do we really want? In earlier generations,
women were not the powerful, independent, “I can do
anything!” wonder women that they are today. When I
wanted to take mechanical drawing in high school in the 50’s,
it had to be approved by the school board before I could enroll.
Would you believe that they said no because the all male school
board determined that the only reason for my wanting to take
that class was to be around the boys more. So things have
changed in the past 50 years, but not that much. Oh sure,
women can pretty much pursue any career they want, but what
is really different?
Women still do the majority of child care, housework, decorating,
shopping and cooking. Men can do those things but for the
most part it’s not part of their daily routine. Women
now have jobs outside the home and do all the work at home
too. This is their own doing.
So what am I saying? It’s this. Women
are their own worst enemy. We say we want equality, but what
does that mean? Equal pay for equal work? Shared child care?
Divided housework and cooking? No! Most women want things
done to their standards without having to tell a man what
that standard is. Women want men to read their minds. They
want a man to know when to send flowers and what kind to send.
They want a man to understand their moods without having to
tell them what they are. They want it to be acknowledged that
“anything you can do, I can do just as good!”
but they really don’t want to do those things, like
fix the car, take out the trash, pound nails, etc. Women are
complicated creatures who want a lot of things but for the
most part aren’t willing to ask for them.
How many of you give up yourself for your relationships?
Let me clarify. Do you pass up engagements with your friends
waiting for a special phone call from the one you love? Do
you sit home waiting for the phone to ring. Do you eliminate
contact with your friends and family because all of your time
is taken up with your new love? Do you cancel plans with your
friends because the one you love asks you to do something
at the last minute? Do you agree to things you don’t
want to do because you can’t say no?
A client of mine, C., lamented that her sister
was coming to visit for two weeks. When I asked her why that
upset her. C said “I can’t afford it.” In
explaining that statement, she said my sister comes to visit
and wants to go expensive places and wants me to take her
everywhere but she doesn’t bring any money and I end
up in debt for months after she leaves. Exploring the facts
behind all of this, I discovered that her 33 year old sister
was unemployed and expected C to support her and entertain
her for two weeks. The problem exists primarily in C. Although
her sister exhibits self-centered behavior, it is C’s
lack of boundaries that really intensify the problem. We worked
out a strategy for C to set some parameters with her sister.
1. Tell her sister how happy she would be to
see her and spend time with her. 2. Set some boundaries for
the visit. 3. The sister must pay her own expenses and entertainment
while she is visiting. 4. The sister can use C’s car
with these two conditions: C must get to work and back. The
sister must pay for her own gas If these conditions aren’t
agreed upon, the sister must rent her own car. 5. C requires
8 hours sleep on work nights so partying is limited on those
nights. .
C said that these parameters would make her
sister’s visit something to anticipate rather than dread.
Why is it so difficult to tell the people that
you love what your personal limits are?
Are you afraid that you will hurt their feelings?
If you do not take care of yourself and set
your boundaries, you are enabling those people to take advantage
of you and then you resent them afterwards. You are accountable
for what happens in your life. Learn to set boundaries. Learn
to clarify what you want. Learn to ask for what you want.
Being vulnerable with those you love,
sharing everything, from your slightest to your deepest fears
is symbolic of trust. If you fear sharing these things because
you think they might be used as ammunition, you are not in
a sacred intimacy relationship.
Keywords: Accountability, vulnerability
About the Author
Susan Sheppard, Glendale CA USA
www.gettingwhatyouwant.com
Susan Sheppard is a Relationship Coach, who helps people create
sacred intimacy in a hot relationship and get what they want
from each other so that they can experience more fun, more
sex and less bickering
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