| “Feet Together,
Legs Apart....Now Just Relax!”
by Jan Andersen
I had delayed the appointment for far too long. Very irresponsible
of me I know, considering that I could be putting my health
at severe risk. Nevertheless, it was still with some reluctance
that I resigned myself to inevitable ordeal ahead, wishing
to potentially save my life rather than my dignity and so
I duly booked my long overdue cervical smear (pap) test.
There’s nothing like a bit of intimate exposure to make
you want to whip yourself into naked shape, least of all to
ensure that everything is clean and free from straggled hair
to prevent the nurse from having to use industrial hedge cutters
before performing the rather ungainly procedure.
“Well done for coming”, the nurse
said as I dutifully trotted behind her into the treatment
room. I wondered whether she congratulated all of her patients,
or whether the operation had become a gruelling experience
for which one received praise (“Well done you for allowing
me, Sister Slaughter, to assault your reproductive parts with
a metal torpedo and cake spatula.”)
After the obligatory form filling, she said,
“Just step behind this curtain and slip your trousers
off.” Did she mean socks and shoes too? “There’s
a blanket there if you feel you want to cover yourself up”,
she continued. Cover myself up? When someone is going to be
peering up your vagina, covering up any other parts to try
and maintain a modicum of decorum seemed somewhat futile.
“Make yourself comfortable”, she
smiled, after observing my white butt spread either side of
me like a lump of dough, as I perched nervously on the edge
of the bed. Comfortable? Comfortable would be putting my clothes
back on and racing home to a good book and a steaming hot
cup of cocoa. Does any woman (apart from those with a fetish
for Sado-Masochism) feel comfortable before having a cold,
metal object pushed into her love passage and having her cervix
abraded with a huge lolly stick?
When the nurse re-appeared, she was brandishing
a vice-like metal speculum in one hand and in the other an
object that resembled a shoe horn, which I assumed was the
instrument that she was going to use to batter my cervix in
order to obtain adequate cells for observation.
“Feet together, legs apart..........now
just relax. If at any time you want me to stop, just say so.”
Actually, I didn’t want her to start, but not wishing
to have “difficult and uncooperative ” written
on my notes, I obligingly put my most precious parts in her
capable rubber-gloved hands. It’s at this point that
you hope you don’t smell/look dirty/have private parts
that look rather unusual compared to everyone else’s,
or wonder whether the nurse is thinking, “What an enormous
arse she’s got!”
I desperately tried not to wince as the abovementioned
metal speculum was inserted with the dexterity of a hammer
thrower and was wrenched open to afford the nurse a better
view. “Just imagine you’re having a tampon inserted”,
I thought to myself as I saw the nurse come towards me with
the shoehorn, before proceeding to thrust it into me and exfoliate
my cervix.
That’s good, you’re not bleeding”,
she said reassuringly. Had she removed my entire cervix or
something? “Very well done”, she continued, “You
were nice and relaxed.” I imagine that previous patients
had probably kicked or punched her.
“Do you check your breasts regularly?
she asked. “Yes”, I replied without hesitation
when what I actually meant was, “No, but my partner
gropes them every day – does that count?” “Good.
Well done for coming”, she said for the second time,
as I was making a desperate attempt to escape before she suggested
that she check my breasts for me.
“The results will be sent through to you
in about six weeks and if they are normal then you won’t
need to come again for another three years”, she said.
Oh, yippee! On that optimistic note, I headed for the door,
not wishing to know what other torturous examination I would
be subjected to should the results be abnormal.
As I was leaving the room, she asked, “Does
your husband regularly check his testicles?” “Do
you know a guy who doesn’t?” I laughed as I made
a hasty exit.
Keywords: pap smear test , cervical smear,
cervical cancer, humour
About the Author
Jan Andersen, Swindon, Wiltshire, England
worldwriteruk@hotmail.com
http://www.mothersover40.com
Jan Andersen is a Freelance Writer and Copywriter specialising
in articles and features on diverse lifestyle topics and social
issues. She has also participated in many TV and radio programmes.
Jan also owns and runs five websites; World Writer, Mothers
Over 40, Child Suicide, SACS (Surviving After Child Suicide)
and Jan Andersen Writing Services. Until recently, Jan had
four children aged 20, 18, 17 and 4. Her eldest son, Kristian,
tragically took his own life on 1 November 2002. Whilst campaigning
for depression, suicide and drugs’ awareness, Jan is
writing a book on child suicide entitled, “Chasing Death”.
http://www.janandersen.homestead.com
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